My Own Worst Enemy

I'd like to think that I am poised for greatness--that one day people will hear my name and offer a standing ovation simply because. I have dreams of myself shooting the breeze with Oprah, having tea with Maya Angelou, strategizing with Donna Brazille. Just generally being fabulous.

Is it just a dream?

My problem is that I want to be the person I see in my visions, but I possess none of the self-confidence that it takes to be that person. I want to be a writer, but I hide in the anomynity of the internet. I want to be a dancer, but I play it safe by staying in the background. I want to be a great lawyer, but I take small cases. I want to be an educator, but I quit just when I was starting to make a difference. I want to be a philanthropist, but I have no money.

I had a conversation with a friend today who knows about this blog, but hasn't read it because I won't share the link. Why am I so afraid of being discovered?

I know why...and it is tied to what I think is the mess my life really is. For a while I have felt that I live a lie--I am not what I appear to be and this is agonizing. I am not the perfect person I strive to be in public. In truth, I am a bit of a slob, am disorganized and I still have issues about my height and my outward appearance. I am socially awkward. I don't make friends easily and I don't do a very good job of keeping up with the ones I have. A few months ago, a friend was talking about how it feels to be the tallest person in the room and how the tendency is to slouch both figuratively and literally, and I could totally relate. I guess even as an adult, I am still slouching.

But as of today, I am going to stand tall. I am going to share the link to this blog so that my friends can tell me whether I have any talent. I will open myself to criticism. I am going to be my own boss and command every room I enter. I am going to make people listen/read/hear what I have to say just because. I will be enriched even if I don't have a lot of money. And I am going to dance like it does not matter that my arms are too long or that I am awkward like an ostrich or a dodo bird.

I want to fly...