Friday, June 08, 2012

17 Days

My life has been a crazy roller coaster ride of insanity for years, and the past 17 days were particularly ridiculous.  I have been wanting to write about the most recent turn of events for some time...just have been waiting for the right time.

Not that there ever is a right time to receive good or bad news.  For instance, I received one bit of bad news right before the start of the holiday weekend.  And yes, it totally ruined the weekend for me.  It would have been better if the news had been received weeks earlier so it could have ruined something else, but perhaps the timing of the news matters less than its substance anyway.

Then there was a bit of promising news...not exactly good, but maybe better than expected or good enough.  It was good enough to put me in a better frame of mind after trying for a few days to process the bad news.  And even if this bit of promising-yet-better-than-expected news does not deliver, well at least it gave me some hope.

So what in the heck am I talking about?  Cryptic as ever...

Several lessons learned in the past 17 days.  The first is to only allow people into my life who are going to support me.  No more wasting my time and talent for people who can toss my efforts aside like used tissues.  I have been here too many times and it sucks, but I know that I deserve better.  It is not too much to expect compassion in a difficult situation.  So if I cannot be the recipient of another person's grace, then clearly I am much better off doing something more worthwhile.

The second lesson--God shows up in unexpected and surprising ways.  I was licking my wounds but as life goes on, I had to follow up on a few other matters and BAM, there God was!  First of all, He revealed that there are plenty of people in this world for whom compassion and understanding are not just words.  To replace the position I lost, God put me in a better situation which will provide me with support.  And knowing that there will be people to have my back is far more important than receiving accolades for a thankless job.

The third lesson is to believe in miracles.  It has not happened yet, but perhaps the miracle is that I changed my mind to be receptive to the possibility.  I have been feeling despair because it seemed that everything was just coming down around me.  But I heard a sermon a few months ago about helpless situations and let's just say that I am finally getting the message.  Again, nothing definite, but maybe. 

And finally the fourth lesson is to keep the faith.  After letting go of the doubt, the anxiety, the voices of negativity and especially the unnecessary baggage of others, what else is left? Faith...and yes, it can be the size of a mustard seed and that can be sufficient. 

I have been on this manic ride plenty of times--when I allow myself to believe in the possibility and then get my hopes dashed.  This time might not be all that different, but what do I have to lose in being cautiously optimistic?