Thursday, September 13, 2007

OK, So I Lied...Again

I have not kept up with my blog. I said that I would come back, posted an entire message about coming back. Thought many times about what I would write about when I came back. And it took me three months to actually come back.

My life is a mess. I am seeing a doctor every six to eight weeks. These are not always related ailments, there is typically something new that sends me to a different office where someone tells me that this could be a big deal (and it then somehow it isn't). But I've had a succession of illnesses this year and I feel like an 80 year old woman. Today something else erupted and so I need to make another appointment for yet another doctor (mind you, I have a referral that I need to follow up on for another ailment I developed in August).

Yessiree, I am a walking disaster. I have new responsibilities on my little job, yet I won't get paid for them until March 2008, by which time, I might be dead or unable to enjoy my largess. That book that I was supposed to be finishing this year is still in the pending stages. I wrote something over the weekend, and I know that when I sit down to re-read any of it, I will hate it. So I will be exactly where I started--unfinished chapters that make no sense because I have yet to string them together.

I had something called Mondor's disease in January. I woke up one morning with a soreness on my chest, which everyone said was all in my head until the cord of blood vessels emerged and pulled a fold across my boob--then people started to believe me. I am not making these ailments up to get attention, even though in the grand scheme of things, no one really cares anyway. The latest is plantar fasciitis. Same side of the body. I must be cursed. Actually, let me take a step back to admit that my neurological issues were concentrated on the other side of my body, so there is some equity here...

Yes, I am falling apart, and while it worries my parents that I refuse to see a doctor that I last saw years ago (because it isn't as if she can cure me), I figure that when I visit my fifth new doctor this year, someone should throw me a damn party. Thank God I have health insurance.

I am done complaining, because I really should count my blessings. Today I went to a Rite Aid and bought $40 of worthless crap (anti-cellulite lotions, nail polish, and an FM tuner radio), which means that in the grand scheme of things, I have nothing to be upset about. There are people who spend that much on a single prescription, and even if I did incur such an expense, I could afford it (even on my paltry salary). I really am blessed.

And of course, this is all made possible by a really delicious (and full) glass of pinot noir...


Wednesday, June 27, 2007

You Won't Believe This, But...

I decided to come back! I still believe this is a waste of time, but whatever!

I made the fateful decision to stop blogging a few days after my last post. There were several reasons, namely I worried that someone important might stumble across one of my rants and that it would have devastating consequences for my future. There were all of these stories floating around about people who lost jobs and school admissions because of blog entries, and despite the fact that I don't really have a job and am not interested in returning to school, I did not want to put any future employment or academic prospects in jeopardy.

So...I got scared and stopped cold turkey. Not that stopping was all that hard since my last few posts were sporadic due to my crazy schedule. The real issue was what to do with the blog as it existed.

Deletion was not really an option since Internet pages have a tendency to live on in faraway archives and cookie caches. And at times, I wrote some pretty good stuff, so I decided to collect all of my favorite blogs, edit them a bit, and compile a "Best Of" portfolio in case I ever wanted to look back fondly on my time on Blogger. I also thought it would be a great way to share my work with others since I never promoted my blog. I planned to print it out, get it copied to bind in some nice folders, and give those copies away to use as a fire starters during BBQ season (just kidding about the BBQ part).

Well, I selected my favorite 50 entries and got started on the editing and layout process. It was tedious because I am such a perfectionist, but this was a labor of love and it was worth the hours of effort. I even wrote a forward, sort of a farewell entry that would explain my reasons for having a blog in the first place. The final product was great (imagine me patting myself on the back).

But wouldn't you know that my printer ran out of toner the day I prepared to print my opus! Then I got all caught up with school because at the same time, I was teaching three classes (which really is a lot more work than you might imagine). And then I had a health crisis which scared me so bad that I ate myself silly. And then, because life is like that, it was just one thing after another and now it is JUNE.

I still plan to *publish* my opus. But, in these past few months, as life continued to swirl around me, I realized that no one was thinking about my silly little blog except for me. And I really missed my blog.

More than anything, I missed the regular habit of writing for myself. I write for other people all of the time--emails, exams, letters, legal documents, etc., but rarely do I write anything that has nothing to do with anything in particular. One day I could use my blog to share my pain if I was feeling blue. Or I could share my joy when things were going well. I could bitch about stuff on the news that pissed me off or I could opine on the big events of the day. Or I could use my blog to ponder the lint that had collected in my navel. Everything was fair game here in a way that real life just did not allow.

Frankly, I cannot believe that I let fear of discovery stop me from doing something that had such a positive effect. It is not as if blogs contain the worse content on the Internet. I imagine that the same people who use Internet searches to disqualify job candidates and school applicants for their written thoughts are the same hypocritical, self-righteous folks who sell personal information or watch porn. No one can track them because they know how to avoid leaving trails, but whatever. Blogging has its pitfalls, but so does walking outside on any given day. There is nothing that I can do that will not result in being found out, so why worry about the unforeseen consequences?

This morning I felt compelled to revisit this site and I am glad that I did. I cannot promise that I am back for real because I am perpetually over-scheduled and this really does chew up a chunk of time. I should be working on my midterm exam right now...but for now, I plan to come back here to muse about all things bright and beautiful, creatures great and small, wild and wonderful, stuff God made all in all.


Wednesday, January 10, 2007

New Year, New Drama

I haven't blogged in a while, and I am not sure if I will continue to blog in the future. I saw a piece on Keith Olbermann a while back that said no one reads anyone else's blog anyway...

So all of this effort is for naught. I will not be discovered. I will not garner any significant traffic or attention to my writing through this space. This was a failed experiment.

But it was useful. I am a decent writer, and with practice, I might become a better writer. No chance of my ever becoming great because I have a very short attention span and I am too much of a perfectionist. Writers are perfectionists, but authors are people who accomplish things, like publishing...

I am both unaccomplished and largely unpublished. I had a shot at being more, but I blew it because I was overwhelmed, and frightened, and burnt out, and I was getting married.

And now I am miserable. Happy New Year to me!