Friday, February 18, 2011

More Writers' Block Drama

OK, so I am  now in day five or six of this...I cannot concentrate.  I write and rewrite nearly every sentence.  I am going quasi-insane.

One trick that I remember from school was to write in stream of conscience, which presumably would help to get something on the page.  So here goes:

I was downstairs listening to WAMU and after about six straight days of listening to them beg for money, I still have not made the call or logged onto the site to make a donation.  I normally would not feel so bad about this, but I do this time around.  I never contribute, yet my car radio is locked on to the station and whenever we go out of town, we search around for the local NPR affiliate.  We are cheaters--worse...we are thieves.  Of course, I justify this behavior by pointing out that we are taxpayers.  We contribute to NPR and PBS through that $1 in tax revenue that goes to support them.  Also, we buy from some of the entities that sponsor their programming--we buy gas and food, so indirectly we support public broadcasting.  I know, this is one of those lies that I tell myself and so far it isn't working.  I still feel guilty.  Fine, I'll give!

I need to tell another truth--I am afraid...of what?  Everything.  Afraid of my loans going into default because I refuse to speak to the loan people.  Afraid of what will happen once that occurs and I have to explain myself.  Afraid of the march of time and what will happen to some of my loved ones.  Afraid to admit that my fear of their demise is also a fear of my own demise.  And a fear of what exactly it is that I have contributed to the world since right now it isn't anything very significant.  Afraid that my "work" is nothing important because I am not really doing anything.  Afraid that I will be exposed as a fraud.

I was watching old videos this afternoon and I believe that music was better in the 80s and 90s.  But I am sure that everyone older than me believes that music was better in the 60s and 70s.  And I agree with them...does that mean that I am really old?  No, it just means that in the past ten years, I have heard little, if anything, memorable or significant enough to compete with the music of my youth.  OK, maybe Beyonce and Maxwell.

I am not sure if this is working yet, but I am going to keep trying...

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