Lately...

I've been blogging up a storm!  I think that the two weeks I had no computer access caused a backlog of ideas in my head, and now everything is just pouring out like water.

I wrote yesterday over at the BBW blog about fried chicken, then I chickened out and did not publicize it...dunno why except maybe it took me soooo long to finish that it was Thursday and so the point was lost.  Not that I was ashamed of what I wrote, but I think that my perfectionism makes it hard for me to just blog and go.  If I had done that, then I doubt the piece would have been all that good, but as it stands, I have no idea if anyone will think anything of it now.

However, I like the fact that my blog gets regular readers.  And I really like having this on the side to have as an outlet for everything else I am thinking.  I did not write here about some of the recent developments in my life yet, but it has been great to have this space as a security blanket of sorts whenever I feel like I have something to say, but am not quite sure whether it needs to be public (which of course it is...but not that public).



My mother in law passed away three weeks ago.  It was a shock...but not totally unexpected since she had been in decline since her birthday in January.  I feel awful that I knew it was coming, and worse that I seemed to be prepared for it to happen.  I felt callous.  And I have yet to cry.

I loved her dearly and the worse thing for me these past few weeks has been to watch her suffer.  And until she was moved into the nursing facility, I had actually hoped that she would rally.  I did not expect for a miraculous recovery, but I hoped that she would regain enough strength to live long enough to see her granddaughter's wedding in October.  It seems kind of selfish, but I just thought it would be some kind of crowning moment for her to experience.

It was not meant to be.  And as I have accepted the truth that God never makes mistakes, I know that she would only have suffered more in the coming months.  She had cancer and in my opinion, she had bad doctors.  I am unhappy about this outcome in the sense that if things had been discovered earlier...

One of my bff's and I spoke today about how I am just chugging along and she assured me that this is either normal, or that I will confront my grief at some later point.  Still makes me feel like a cold fish, because crying would at least allow me to feel a little better.  But I don't exactly feel bad either.  I just feel numb.

Then there is the matter of my own mother...I just need some answers.  I need the Lord to shine a light on what is going on, or perhaps just light a path towards some options.  She is reclusive, paranoid, erratic, prone to anger, and is just driving all of us insane.  I don't know what to do.

But, I am standing on the promises, to quote an old hymn that I haven't sung in years...which suggests that I may not know the answers, but I have an idea where to turn.