Why I Hate My Life

I don't have any readers anyway, so I'm entitled to a little self-indulgence every now and then...

I hate my life. I hate the fact that I never have any money. I hate the fact that I never have enought time to devote to my own projects. I hate the fact that I never have anyone around when I want to do something other than work. I hate that I spend 70% of my time alone. I hate that 20% is commandeered by my husband. I hate that the other 10% is commandeered by others who never seem to have any time for me.

I hate my life.

I got the bright idea that my best friend and I should go to Atlantic City this weekend. It was a spur of the moment type of impulse, and when I called her to see what she thought, she said no, then she said that she would think about it. I thought it was a perfect idea, since today is her birthday, and her big plan was to spend the time in Baltimore. I'm thinking, we can go to Baltimore anytime since it is just 30 minutes away.

But she blows me off. I call her back to see if she's changed her mind, and she already left for B-more. I call her cell phone and I had to leave a message. And now I'm peeved and terribly disappointed because now since I already promised that I would, I'm going to have to drive to Baltimore tonight instead of spending the evening pulling the levers on a slot machine and getting a small break from my pathetic life.

Yes, I know that I am being selfish. It is not my birthday, and she has a right to want to spend it as she pleases.

But dammit, why can't I ever get a break? I just wanted one night away from this sh**ty life I have. I wanted one night away from my boring husband and his annoying habits. One night! I just needed one lousy damn night away from it all.

I am not going to have any chance to do something like this again. As of next week, my every weekend from now until January is jammed with other people's projects and needs. There is not another moment free for me to do anything other than what I normally do. I just wanted to be spontaneous, but over the next few weeks, that will mean that get to spend more time alone in a restaurant somewhere with my head in a book. I can't seem to buy a decent time anymore.

I no longer have co-workers. I have very few friends. I have no money. And the only semblance of a life I seem to manage these days is my daily game of spider solitaire and my twice weekly visits to Starbucks. Oh, and dance classes every week, which now take up any additional moment of free time.

This is so pathetic. I thought life was supposed to get better. My life seems to have gotten worse with each year. And no, I don't want to count any blessings right now, because to do so would make me feel worse than I already do. I don't want to look around me and see that other people have worse lots than boredom and solitude. I don't want to even think about it.

I f**king hate my f**king life.