Black Music Month - 50 Reasons to Groan

Who knew June was Black Music Month. I must have missed Bill Clinton's official proclamation. Or it's more likely that Columbia House or BMG are simply trying to get folks to buy over-priced CDs. It's either that or a way for BET to hype up its sorry annual Awards show.

Actually, the first time I even heard about Black Music Month back in 2001 when I wrote a free-lance feature piece for NetNoir. Yes, that meant that I wrote great pieces and they *paid* me with exposure. (It was a great honor, which unfortunately I did not appreciate at the time. For if I had, I would still be writing somewhere officially on the web or in print, instead of laboring in online obscurity.)

Anyway, back then I wrote about what I thought was the sorry state of R&B music after observing a video for a remake of "Lady Marmalade." Since then, things have not improved. If anything, things are worse.

Of course, I can even say this with any sort of authority because I now have cable. I rarely listen to music on the radio anymore, and when I do, I am locked onto the adult urban contemporary stations (which is code for easy listening for black people with jobs). Whenever I have dared to tune into the other black radio stations, I end up listening to a succession of bleeps.

With cable, I get to watch videos on a regular basis, so that averages out to about one complete video every other day. It also gives me a chance to stay current with what the kids listen to (how old do I sound). So far, I only like Ludacris, Eminem, and Missy when it comes to hip hop. They each get high marks for originality, creativity, talent and a basic command of the English language. As for R&B, my favorites are John Legend, Alicia Keys, India.Arie, Jill Scott, Eryka Bahdu, Queen Latifah, and most other neo-soul artists. And you can never go wrong with the oldies (you know, those people who recorded albums and records once upon a time).

Still, in spite of these few bright spots, I hereby declare that the general state of black music is bad. Terrible. Aweful. Shameful. Here are a few reasons:

1. Destiny's Child is the 21st century version of the Supremes.
2. P. Diddy and Kanye West are poor substitutes for Jimmy Jam, Terry Lewis, Babyface and other super producers of the 80s and 90s.
3. Faith and Mary J. Blige are both very talented, but neither deserves the right to be called a diva anytime soon.
4. Mariah Carey was once black, but somewhere along the line, she forgot.
5. Usher, no more whack *confessions*.
6. Brandy and Monica, your stars faded too fast.
7. Prince is not recognized as a true musical genius.
8. People keep buying R. Kelly CDs when they really shouldn't, not ever.
9. New Edition is under-appreciated for their work after Bobby left.
10. Collaboration songs are a last ditch effort to remain relevant just before that last minute of fame runs out.
11. Love songs can be about more than sex.
12. It is not all about you, so put the mirror away.
13. Patti LaBelle may be crazy, but she's damn near 70 and still going strong.
14. Entertainers and Recording stars replaced singers and artists.
15. Black Brits like Seal and Incognito get no airtime on black radio.
16. Toni Braxton needs to put on some damn clothes.
17. If you need JaRule, DMX or some other similarly un-talented rapper to growl in the background of your song, it was't very good in the first place.
18. Act or sing, but don't do both.
19. If you have the good fortune to be a one-hit wonderful, enjoy your 15 minutes of fame, save your money, and then disappear into obscurity like everyone else.
20. The guaranteed career boost you get by performing live on the Today Show, Good Morning America, Saturday Night Live, Jay Leno or Dave Letterman won't materialize if you don't sound the same on live TV as you do on your CD.
21. The Black Eyed Peas are stupid and totally over-rated.
22. Sampling is so 90s, so can someone please learn to play an instrument and write some original music?
23. God does not care that you won a Grammy, an American Music Award, or any other faux honor from your peers, so just say thank you and sit down.
24. If your gospel song can't be played in church, then it isn't holy.
25. Shrieking is unpleasant and uneccesary.
26. If you have to wear designer labels to get attention, then you aren't very talented.
27. Your children should not co-star with you in the reality series about your sorry life.
28. As soon as you make a cameo appearance as an aspiring singer on a sitcom, then your career has officially ended.
29. High-profile breakups will ruin your career, just ask J Lo and Puffy.
30. Just because you have blonde hair now, you are still black, Latina, etc.
31. The Star Spangled Banner is a two minute song, tops.
32. Please tell Stevie Wonder that he is fat.
33. Kellis and Amerie, your time is almost up, just ask Adina Howard.
34. If you can't remain a born-again, saved and sanctified singer of the Word after that one gospel CD, then you are going to hell.
35. No, I don't want to be hot/stank/hard-core like you.
36. Pretty does not equal talent.
37. Tribe, En Vogue and Tony, Toni, Tone all broke up.
38. If you are over 21, then you are too old to go by a nickname.
39. Snoop Dogg never looked like Snoopy--he has always resembled Marmaduke.
40. Whitney was right, crack is whack--just look at her life.
41. Not all collaborations make sense, such as the fusion of hip-hop and country music.
42. Try something unique and daring, but not something stupid.
43. No one can survive being shot 9 times, so don't believe the hype.
44. If you can't appreciate other genres of music, like jazz or blues, then you are an idiot.
45. Some of the greatest talents were once background singers for other great talents, so there is nothing wrong with paying your dues.
46. Act like you were raised by human beings and carry yourself with dignity and respect.
47. Unless done extremely well or with a different interpretation, remakes aren't flattery but indicate that someone was desperate to fill space on a mediocre CD.
48. Don't let petty rivalries from your music spill over into your personal life--that's how Biggie and Tupac ended up dead.
49. We don't need to know all about your life, so skip the Behind the Music biopic and save some details for an autobiography.
50. Michael Jackson is the tragedy of what happens when you surround yourself with people who never say no to your requests.