In My Skin

I'm getting used to being me. It has taken 31 years, but I'm finally starting to get it. It has been an uneasy process, but I guess it takes time to get to know yourself.

As I took a walk through my neighborhood this morning, I reflected on some of the changes I've made in my life these past few years. After I lost my job in 2002, I felt like a fish out of water, and since that time it has been a challenge in trying to reclaim some semblance of normalcy.

I haven't held a full-time job since that time, so money has been an issue. My part-time legal practice really doesn't bring in anything substantial, so I have been living off of my husband. This has created a lot of anxiety and tension in our relationship. I spend almost all of my time alone, with only brief interactions with the outside world. I have a few friends, but I really don't feel close to any of them.

It all sounds like a self-imposed exile from reality, like a retreat into my own little world.

On the other hand, since I've had nothing but time on my hands, I have done a lot of self-evaluation. Or maybe it could be better described as self-loathing. Or wallowing in self-pity. Or navel-gazing. In any event, here is what I've found out about myself:

1. I like to sleep late.
2. I don't like to make the bed.
3. I don't care to make breakfast for myself.
4. I don't mind doing the laundry.
5. I have to be in the mood to do dishes.
6. I am not much of a house-keeper.
7. I have to be in the mood to cook.
8. I like to read the newspaper,but I don't like to watch the news.
9. I don't like to open my mail unless it is something pleasant or unexpected.
10. I can watch almost anything on TV.
11. I like to linger in the aisles at the local Home Depot.
12. Ditto for Target, IKEA, Loehman's, Filene's Basement and Marshall's.
13. I hate going to the mall.
14. I like riding the METRO, but I don't like the tourists on the METRO.
15. I don't enjoy driving as much as I used to.
16. I want to see the world.
17. I think I'll make a decent teacher.
18. I might make be good mother one day.
19. I strive to be a better lawyer.
20. I really don't talk to my brothers as often as I should.
21. I wish I had a sister.
22. I wish I could really talk to my mother about things.
23. I wish that my grandmothers had lived longer, and I miss my grandfather and uncle.
24. I am getting used to being taller than the average woman.
25. I like my body and my birthmark, too.
26. I prefer walking or dance to other forms of exercise.
27. I have good intentions, but I don't follow through like I should.
28. I am too hard on myself.
29. I am not perfect, and neither is the man I married.
30. I am grateful that we found each other.
31. I love my parents, but I would hate to move back in with them.
32. I am disorganized.
33. I think my father is the most decent human being I know.
34. I am afraid to die.
35. I am striving to be a better Christian.
36. I also believe in karma, reincarnation and in infinite possibilities.
37. I like to challenge conventional wisdom.
38. I think most people are idiots.
39. I can't stand George W. Bush.
40. Ditto for the Religious Self-Righteous, extremists, and others who lack self-control.
41. I believe choice is a fundamental right.
42. I forgive but I don't forget.
43. I have strong opinions on a lot of topics.
44. I wish people would really listen to what I have to say.
45. I've received some lucky breaks in life.
46. I have a short attention span.
47. I cherish imagination and originality.
48. I am a people-pleaser.
49. I know my limitations.
50. I am a work in progress.