A Bout of Over-Confidence

I have not been able to write anything good lately, and it appears that this started as soon as I began to feel confident that I was becoming a writer. I guess I spoke too soon.

I think part of this has to do with the way I'm trying to write. On some days, I want to write like I feel (just put some thoughts down on paper), and on other days, I want to say something profound. It is when I want to be profound that I have the most trouble.

I wanted to write a piece about religion after I saw a former peer of mine on television one Sunday morning. The spectacle was so hilarious that I wanted to write about why performances like his had driven me from the church. If I could have just been clearer and written it just hte way I wrote it here, then the piece would not have been so unwieldy and unfinished.

Another time, I wanted to write about being Irish. This was way back in March, right before St. Patrick's Day. It was going to be a tongue-in-cheek piece about how I, as a black woman, felt entitled to Irish heritage because of my last name, my family origins in Maryland, and our fair skin. I spent hours on that, only to abandon it and never finish it.

There are countless other examples of my inability to finish these more profound pieces of writing. These unfinished pieces don't exactly haunt me, but they are reminders of how much more disciplined I need to be about my writing. It doesn't help that my ADHD is on a roll these days along with myriad distractions, but my hope is that I will focus long enough to get something written and finished in the next few weeks.

I also want to join a writers' group, but I am not sure how to find one. I've checked the internet, but that is like looking for a needle in a haystack. The internet is full of wannabe writers like me, but how exactly do you find someone with whom you click? I need both a critic and a sounding board, and we already know that my husband is no good in either department.

In some ways, I feel that he presents another obstacle, even though he would probably disagree. It isn't only that he never reads anything that I write unless it is written for him, but he also doesn't provide me with the space and solitude that I need to write. One of the problems is that I spend a good part of my day doing things for my alumnae group, my clients and other career development type stuff, so by the time I want to focus on my own creative work, he comes home and then everything must center around him. He wants me to watch a movie that he's rented with him. He wants to know what I am doing, so he'll come in and watch me type. I have to stop to eat dinner...God help me if we ever have children, because I will never get any writing done!

Waa, waa, whine, whine...OK, I'm done with that. The hub isn't all that bad, it's just that when he comes home, he wants to spend time with me. I should never complain about that.

Anyhoo, I am going to keep at it until something good comes along. Maybe a trip to Europe or to the country would do me some good. I am thinking seriously about spending a week in New England somewhere, although lately, I've been wanting to go to Europe. Probably because of my new obsession with Brit-coms...

Ciao!

Too Darn Hot

I can't focus and it is so hot in this house that I am melting. I have been trying to blog for hours, but it is so pointless because I can't concentrate.

I wanted to work on several things today, but I haven't accomplished anything. Even this quick post feels like a waste of what little energy I have because it doesn't actually count as a blog topic.

I really want to get something written, and I have lots of ideas, but I just can't get anything properly formulated. I've been thinking about a writing course, but I'm broke so it will have to be free or very low budget.

I also want to travel this summer, also for free, but that can't happen if I can't get anything decent written down. I had worked on the funeral story for a while, but I lost some of my steam on that piece (despite the wealth of material that I picked up from the funeral I attended yesterday). It was so hot in my living room last night that I just sat on the futon and watched the snow on the new TV.

I think my ADHD is to blame. That and the heat. It must be 90 degrees outside...

Maybe I'll go plant my tomatoes in their pots...it must be cooler outdoors than it is in the house.

Too Good to Clean Toilets

I must have been under a rock because I just heard about all of the fuss concerning the stupid comments made by Mexican President Vicente Fox. He praised his countrymen for their hard work and willingness to do the jobs that black folks won't do.

Damn right! In case Mr. Fox was under the same rock 30 years ago, my people overcame.

But what is up with proclaiming that America should welcome these hard-working Mexicans to do our dirty work? Instead of chastising black people, I think Fox should concern himself with the truly sad state of affairs in Mexico. If there are not enough jobs being created there, then maybe he is the one with the problem. It's aweful that the best his citizens can hope for are the jobs that no Americans want.

This morning the hub and I attempted to debate this issue (actually, I attempted to discuss it with him, but he was more interested in watching the rain fall on the car). My point was that Fox's comments reinforce notions of superiority in this country. Nautralized Americans are too good for certain jobs, so we give them to immigrants. The hub says that this has always been the case. His parents took the crappy jobs as did my grandparents. They took those jobs to provide the means for us to choose not to take them.

I am not offended by the implication that blacks are unwilling to do menial labor because we've been there and done that. Those of us who have choices have exercised those rights, just as every other immigrant group in this country did before us. Those among us who do not have choices, well, they have no reason to complain if the work is available and they don't pursue it (so says the woman with no job).

I'll send in my applications right away Mr. Cosby...

I Have Good Intentions

But I'm still headed on that road to Hades. Maybe, but it seems that way sometimes.

Take my blogging habit, for instance. I'm supposed to do this everyday so that I write something every day. Only, nowadays, I go days between posts even though that is hardly my intention. I intend to write, but somehow I just don't keep up with it like I should.

I should do as the great Yoda suggests, and not 'try'...I must DO what I intend.

Otherwise, I am useless as a human being. I become a failure.

I am not sure what else I intended to write today. I sat on the couch and watched two episodes of "Desperate Housewives" and that kept me occupied for the evening. I probably could have written something, but then again, I can't remember if I was at all inspired to do so earlier.

I intend to be a better lawyer, but I've got to do a better job of keeping promises and appointments. I get where I need to eventually, but somewhere along the line, there is this creeping feeling that I could be a lot better if I just got my act together. I intend to be a better wife, but I just never feel like doing that much housework. I intend to be an attentive gardener, but today it got dark and I just couldn't balance the need to plant veggies with the need to clean my kitchen. I intend to be a better dancer, but then again, you can only work with the tools God gave you...

My life is a mess! I owe it all to my Adult Hyper-Active Attention Deficit Disorder. I have AHAADD. However, this is my own diagnosis of my issues, so I could be wrong (hey, I'm a lawyer, not a doctor).

And I am un-medicated. Apparently if I take some of the medications that get advertised on TV, I will be more focused, but I will lose interest in sex, eating, sleep, joy and life in general. What fun would it be to be on time for things, but not to enjoy the experience? I think I'll remain the mess that I've become.

At least until I have children. If my daily drama interferes with my ability to be a good mother, then I will get my act together the best way possible. I'll move back in my with my parents.

That's enough to scare anyone straight. Ciao!

Long Time No Blog

Well, I tried yesterday, but because the system went down in the middle of my creative process, I lost the post. I won't even try to re-create it, because it was just self-indulgent dribble. I was feeling a bit sorry for myself, then I started to feel better, but anyway, it was boring.

Not that what I plan to write today is any more exciting. Hmmm, my day consisted of a divorce clinic, lunch at a local coffee shop, dance rehearsal, dinner at a chili restaurant, and a night of shopping at Target. Whew.

Gee, my life is boring. I guess this is what happens once you get settled into married life. You look forward to Target on the weekends. Cool people spend Saturday night at dinner or a movie or at a club...we don't even know the names of any clubs anymore.

It's like we died and ended up in Nebraska. I bet we're even too boring for them.

Anyway, Rick is watching SNL and I just submitted my final grades for my class. Now onto the rest of the work that I've neglected for the past seven weeks...

The most exciting thing I've done recently is to mold an elephant for my cousin out of clay for a school project. I was more excited to discover that I still had some artistic talent buried down in me. However, kids are not so easily satisfied. She got over my artistic triumph pretty quickly, since she spent the rest of the night laughing at me. Just wait till she gets to be my age, then she'll see that I'm not as pathetic as she thought. I'm just typical.

The latest thing is that Rick has been making fun of me for being both a 'bitty' and hyper active (strange concoction). The bitty thing is just silly, and despite his countless examples of my bittishness, I think he's full of it (sounds pretty bittish to me). He also swears that I'm ADHD, which is entirely possible. I can't focus on anything. I bought scrapbook stuff for a project I'm thinking about, but in all likelihood, I won't finish it. The last scrapbook project I started is still incomplete. My short story on the woman who attends funerals is half-way complete (but I'm already doubting it). My novel and the screenplay I wanted to write are also still works in progress. I am a mess.

Can anyone imagine me as a grandmother? Apparently no one has to imagine it...

Well, I'm off to do the laundry now. Woohoo!

More Than Meets the Eye

I haven't been here to blog for over a week. Things got very busy for me between my classes and just life in general. Here are a few of my recent issues with life:

Mother's Day
I have a mother and a mother-in-law. I was blessed to have two great grandmothers. So forgive me for not being excited about this holiday.

I love these women, but I hate what this holiday does to them. It turns women everywhere into prima donnas of the highest order. Sure, we should appreciate our mothers and everything that motherhood entails. Think about it, birthdays focus on the person who was born, not on the effort that it took to get us here. But is all of this--flowers, gifts, brunches, trips, jewelry, tiaras, etc--really necessary?

I am not a mother, so maybe that's why I get so annoyed when this time of year approaches. Am I jealous? I don't think so, but I guess we'll find out in a few years or so when I start to get little home-made cards from my future children. As they get older, will I expect more from them? Will I demand original poetry or dramatic readings? If I live long enough to become a grandmother, will my children try to impress me by forcing their children to compete against their cousins for my blessings?

Did you notice that I have mother-guilt-speak down already (if I live long enough...)

City Living
As long as I continue to be black, I will never understand why white people, especially those who live and work among us, still don't get it. Black people want respect, plain and simple. My neighborhood is in transition--it has always been racially diverse, but now we are experiencing a new form of class-based gentrification, so tensions are high.

I belong to the community listserv, and recent discussions indicate that things are going to be hot this summer. The white people (and I'm sorry, yes, you can tell who's who even over email) all support certain neighborhood projects: a skate park, a Yes! Organic market, a home goods store and a coffee shop. On quality of life issues, some of their complaints have a racial tinge such as who commits certain crimes and in turn, who gets targeted. Then one day, a woman posted a question about the intent of the listserv, whether it was for sharing information or for bitching. Then she suggested that everyone sounded like over-entitled white people, which to her mind made them all sound like typical gentrifiers. Boy, that hit some raw nerves, especialy since the poster was white.

Then, it became an endless stretch of bitchy emails back and forth among the same 13 people. A few others waded in to add a few logs on the fire, but then there were calls for an ouster, personal attacks, and then things just died down. People apparently got tired and decided to move on. A whole bunch of nothing!

As Time Goes By and other Anglomania
A month or so ago, I was at my parents' home and they got all excited about their BBC TV shows. I have watched a few of these shows occasionally, but now it is an obsession. My favorite is "As Time Goes By" which is a brilliantly funny comedy about a mature couple who reunite after 38 years apart. In addition, I sometimes have to watch "Are You Being Served" and "All Creatures Great and Small"--both of which I watched periodically as a child.

Along with my minor obsession with the British royals, one might think that I am a closet anglo-maniac. Well, I am part-Irish, so I'm entitled! I think its time for me to have some tea :)

Ciao!

Not Enough Hours in the Day

This may be the most over-scheduled time of my life. I am taking this online class to learn the ins and outs of the web-enhanced platform used by my institution. They said "intensive" but they should have said completely overwhelming. They should have said that this class would be the equivalent of a part-time job. They should have said that one would need to drink plenty of coffee to get through all of this.

This is killing me.

Between the class I'm teaching and the class I'm taking, I don't know if I'm coming or going. Half of the time, I am treading water and the other half I am drowning.

I just printed out an additional 30 pages of articles that need to be read. I have an assignment for Wednesday, but I am not sure how to do it. And I still need to finish preparing for class tomorrow.

Oh, and I'm trying to get some writing gigs so that all of this work on this blog will be worth the effort and time. The great irony is that while I am writing a lot lately and I can see improvements, I still haven't sent anyone any info about this space.

Despite my sudden shyness, I'm feeling pretty good about myself again. Maybe it is the weather, because it was so beautiful outside today.

I went to U Street to spend some time at an outdoor coffee place, which turned out to be Starbuck's. I should have gone to the coffee house in College Park as Rick had suggested. I don't care for Starbuck's, although if there was one in my neighborhood, I would probably go there on a regular basis. That is, until they got competition from a local small business owner or lesser known chain. I am against corporate coffee, but Starbuck's isn't a bad company, so every now and then I can support them. I just don't like their coffee (too strong and too addictive).

I am a bit loopy due to exhaustion. I just wrote a paragraph about Starbuck's coffee...I should give up now before I start on the evils of Wal-Mart. Ciao!