OK, What Black Women Really Need

Is for this tired conversation to be over. For the record, there is nothing wrong with black women. OK?

I read some ignorance offered by one of the "poets" of our time...some a$$ rapper named Slim Thug. His contribution to the discussion was same drivel that keeps getting repeated in the comments sections of more widely read blogs on the internet: "black women have high standards", "need to bow down to show men more respect", and that "white women do whatever men tell them to do."

Wrong, wrong, WRONG!

I don't even need to address his stupidity because it is no use arguing with a fool. So, my contribution to the discussion is to point out that there is nothing wrong with black women as a group. Collectively, we are good.

Individually, well that is another matter. But that would be true of white women, Latina women and women of every other racial and ethnic category. So it is an overstatement to paint all women with the same broad brush, just as it would be an overstatement to say that all rappers are effin' idiots when really, at this juncture, that statement is squarely aimed at Slim Thug.

I can't answer for the rest of black womendom, but the reason why so many of us don't get married has nothing to do with high standards, a failure to properly genuflect, or drama-free white women. Plenty of women are married with high standards, to partners that value mutual respect in a relationship, and (surprise) are not WHITE. Marriage is a choice and with everything in life, things happen for a reason.

A lot of my single, unmarried black girlfriends are not married because the men they prefer to date are in short supply. A few of my single white unmarried friends face the same dilemna. Many single 30 and 40-something women have consciously chosen to stay single until the right "one" becomes available. And other single, unmarried women do not wish to be married at all, especially if their options include such gems as Mr. Slim Thug...

Maybe this conversation would advance beyond the simplicities if more black women were actually participating in it. Sure the TV interviews include the perspectives of disillusioned single black women and black men certainly get their say, but if anyone ever bothered to include married black women there might be a more enlightened discussion. Wouldn't the best advice for getting married come from women who are married? Maybe older women would add more nuance to the conversation as well.

Since no one asked me, I feel compelled to add my two cents anyway--take it easy. A lot of women who never thought that they would get married did because their attitudes about marriage were based in reality and not fantasy. I am one of those women. I never expected to get married and I never thought of marriage as the brass ring. I hoped that I would get married and have children, but it far more important for me to have a successful career (still working on that one) and to be content in my own skin. In the process of focusing on improving me for me, I met a man who was funny and who found me to be interesting just the way I was. He understood me and all of my quirks, and that is better than all of the stuff that supposedly makes for a good match.

So no single woman should have to change in order to get any man. A woman with high standards, who expects to be treated with respect, and has pride in herself is an asset, not a liability. If these qualities aren't good enough for you, then it is your loss.