I am at a crossroads. To continue on the chaotic path I've been traveling for the last few years or to make a change and go into the unknown...As of today, I have made the choice to change course. It is a painful decision, fraught with uncertainty, but I have to do it. To continue the way that I have been going feels suicidal.
To recap: since 2003, I have been on my own. I have been working from the spare bedroom in my house as a solo proprietor/independent contractor/perpetual volunteer with mixed results. It was never a question of ability, because I have been pretty good at the various projects I have undertaken, but it has become an issue of stamina and more importantly, one of boundaries. Right now there is no difference between my work life and my home life and it has been killing me. There is no such thing as a movie night with my husband, a lazy Sunday or even a vacation away from it all. It is all one big blur.
I don't know what to do and what will happen next. As of the end of this month, I will still have a part-time job, but I also have another birthday coming. I think it is about time that I have plans to do something special to celebrate me for a change. I don't want a party, but I want to go out and enjoy myself and then come home with my husband and fall asleep without thinking about the pile of things to do in my office or around the house. I want to let go of family drama, bills that may never get paid, stress, and everything else that brought me to the brink of thinking that I would be better off if I drove my car off a cliff.
Woosah!
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