Sweet Release

I am at a crossroads. To continue on the chaotic path I've been traveling for the last few years or to make a change and go into the unknown...As of today, I have made the choice to change course. It is a painful decision, fraught with uncertainty, but I have to do it. To continue the way that I have been going feels suicidal.

To recap: since 2003, I have been on my own. I have been working from the spare bedroom in my house as a solo proprietor/independent contractor/perpetual volunteer with mixed results. It was never a question of ability, because I have been pretty good at the various projects I have undertaken, but it has become an issue of stamina and more importantly, one of boundaries. Right now there is no difference between my work life and my home life and it has been killing me. There is no such thing as a movie night with my husband, a lazy Sunday or even a vacation away from it all. It is all one big blur.

I don't know what to do and what will happen next. As of the end of this month, I will still have a part-time job, but I also have another birthday coming. I think it is about time that I have plans to do something special to celebrate me for a change. I don't want a party, but I want to go out and enjoy myself and then come home with my husband and fall asleep without thinking about the pile of things to do in my office or around the house. I want to let go of family drama, bills that may never get paid, stress, and everything else that brought me to the brink of thinking that I would be better off if I drove my car off a cliff.

Woosah!

I Don't Mean Any Harm...

My grandmother used to say that right before delivering a polite insult. To the targets of her zingers, it was the bit of sugar that helped the medicine go down. To everyone else within earshot, it was a left hook to the jaw with a smiley face on the front of the glove.

Gosh I miss her.

Because if she were still here, there are a bunch of folks I would line up in front of her so that she could let them have it. As her granddaughter and I think she would approve if I borrowed her phrase to use on a few deserving people:

I don't mean any harm, but maybe you shouldn't try to run an institution by remote control.
I don't mean any harm, but you remind me of the Wizard of Oz--just a man hiding behind a curtain with a microphone.
I don't mean any harm, but if you don't want to be treated like a whore try wearing clothes.
I don't mean any harm, but if you really want to know how she is doing, just knock on her door and ask.
I don't mean any harm, but you are not perfect.
I don't mean any harm, but you could stand to be more forgiving.
I don't mean any harm, but you might be certifiable.
I don't mean any harm, but when you say that you are sorry for doing something, you prove that you mean it by not repeating the same bad behavior.
I don't mean any harm, but telling everyone your business won't solve your problem.
I don't mean any harm, but church should not be treated like an escape from reality.
I don't mean any harm, but you married a bitch.
I don't mean any harm, but you are an asshole.
I don't mean any harm, but if you can't think of a decent name for your child then do all of us a favor and name him/her after the doctor. I'm sure the doctor wasn't named after a jello flavor.
I don't mean any harm, but if you are that in love with the sound of your own voice then maybe you should get a job in radio instead of talking me to death.
I don't mean any harm, but I am pretty sure that I meant no when I said it the first time.
I don't mean any harm, but if the man really wanted to take away your guns/freedoms/etc. he would have done so by now. After all, he is the President.
I don't mean any harm, but what do you expect from a news network that is named after a type of dog?
I don't mean any harm, but what were you thinking?