The past six weeks have not been a great. I think that once you experience a certain plateau of joy, life spanks you and forces you to swallow some horribly bitter pills. Most people call it reality. I call it self-flagellating torture.
I came back from Europe feeling on top of the world. I was well rested and my mind was reasonable clear from the cares of my daily life. I took a few days to get back into my normal routine (more or less), and then I forged ahead with plans for an exciting semester and other good things to follow.
Then I started to get the old familiar pangs of under-employed guilt. I wondered whether I was just convincing myself that I was in a good space to avoid the reality that I was still broke, idle and lonely most of the time. And as soon as I allowed those feelings to take root, they've been nearly impossible to yank.
A couple of weeks ago, I was feeling kind of blue , so I called my parents to check in on them. My father answered the phone and relayed a very cryptic message for me to "pray for guidance". It made me cry, and even after rationalizing to myself that he was just trying to be helpful, it still makes me cry. He hasn't explained his rationale (he left that up to my mother), but I can only guess that his concern about my future has been building for some time now. A week or two earlier, he handed me a stack of job announcements.
Then last night, my younger brother offered his thoughts on the conundrum of my future. He jokingly said that I was headed for soccer-momdom (of course, assuming that I ever have children), so he wanted me to figure out a way to fill my time until mommyhood becomes a reality. I feebly defended myself on the basis that I am trying to figure things out.
The thing is, I've been trying to figure things out since 2003. As much as I try to put a brave face on things, the truth is, I am more confused about my purpose than I ever was.
I like teaching, but I am not sure that it can become a permanent career move. For one thing, the pay is so lousy compared to the amount of work involved, thus I would need a second job, which is exactly the position I am in anyway. If I want to really change careers in that direction, then it would mean an additional investment in another degree, which I am not able to make. I still need to pay for this expensive law degree...
So then the only other logical choice is to return full-time to the law. And that is the rub. As much as I like being a lawyer and solving people's problems, I have not found this field to be particularly hospitable to me. With a few exceptions, my jobs were disasters. And the reality is, the problem is not the profession, it is me.
I was never cut out to be the type of lawyer one needs to be in order to be called a success (read rich). I have the chops to be a pretty good lawyer, but in some ways, I feel that I lost the confidence necessary to achieve that before I even got started. I've never been able to shake the notion that I don't deserve this, that somehow, all of this has been a fluke. Who wants a lawyer like that?
A friend forwarded me a website started by this woman about leaving the legal profession. I was intrigued, not because I am ready to give up, but because I was surprised to learn that there were people out there who also found aspects of the practice frustrating. Thankfully, when I've entertained that sentiment in the past, something always happens to make me reconsider, sort of like divine intervention.
Now that I have written this all out, I don't feel as terrible as I did an hour ago. An emotional burden has been lifted, but then writing has always been my cheap version of therapy. So now I'm thinking that in some very odd cosmic way, I'll be okay. I'm not a failure afterall.
It has been said that in life, it is when one is just about ready to give up that an opportunity is revealed. Instead of heading off a cliff of uncertaintly, I could be right where I need to be in order to receive the next challenge life has in store. So dear readers (all four of you), keep your fingers crossed that there is a blessing headed my way...
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