Step It Up

So here I am again, using this space to write out my confessions because I still haven't summoned the courage to confide in anyone else about my anxieties.

Straight to the point, the crux of my dilemma is that I am buying into other people's dreams without knowing quite how to get the same kind of investment in mine. Not even from my friends.

Especially not from my friends. I guess I need to specifically ask people to support my efforts, like the high school classmate who asked me to support her book party. Or the teacher whose self-published book I just purchased without knowing if it would actually be useful to my kid. Or the classmate whose granddaughter wants to sell me some makeup (but I haven't called her back yet). Or all of the random stuff I've been buying for the past few days because I am obsessed with buying black-themed images for the children in my life.

I gave away a box of stuff from a subscription service that has been sending out duds lately...I should just cancel, but I keep thinking that I will get something interesting and worthwhile. I decided to give away the two books that I bought as gifts, but forgot that I had ordered a boy-themed puzzle to give away as a gift. So I guess we're keeping that one for a bit until the next wave of birthday parties begins. My brother thinks that the backpack I bought my niece was too expensive since she could just have a plain one from Costco. I bought custom note cards for two friends for their birthdays. I probably have more stuff coming, most of these items purchased to support other black businesses.

And I am proud to be in this mode and to have the means to do so. I just wish I could get myself together to see the same success.

I keep thinking that I am afraid of failure, but that isn't it since I have halfway put myself out there. Failure wouldn't even be the worst thing, since I am still obscure enough to simply fade away (and I've done that). I am afraid to succeed.

And I am in tears because I can't believe that. I won't believe it. Because that voice inside of me keeps telling me to move forward, take the chance. And it is getting louder and more persistent than the other one that's telling me to stay where I am.

The devil is a liar. The devil is a liar. The devil is a liar.

Stay tuned (and pray for me)...