Circles

According to the calendar I have not posted anything to this blog since November, and nothing to the Busy Black Woman blog since my birthday in December.  There are plenty of excuses I could offer, but I will just tell the truth: I have not felt like writing.  Or whenever I tried, the result was crap so I would abandon the effort.  And so here we are months later and I don't really see any chance for improvement. 

Plenty of things have happened to me in the past few months that stirred a desire to write, but not the will to follow through.  Quite frankly, I have nothing left to say except that my life is still in the same holding pattern that it has hovered in since the last decade.

I was compelled to write today to express my disgust for a situation that I will find myself enduring in the near future because that is just the way the universe works.  Unpleasant and odious situations (and people) are inescapable.  And for whatever reason, I am once again pitted against a situation/person that I find utterly detestable.

This situation/person is kind of a metaphor for other aggravations I face, like my mother's illness or my dismal finances.  I try, but these situations never improve (despite all of the well-meaning, but often useless suggestions offered by others).  I often feel that there is no refuge.

Thus, while writing that last sentence, I went on an internet search for some poem, quote or Bible verse that I could repeat to myself or maybe a tune to hum whenever I feel this way.  Of course, I found the usual insipid attempts at encouragement: suck it up because things could be worse.

True, I could have cancer. Or I could be homeless. Or I could be a homeless person with cancer. I get that for a lot of people out there, life is really, really hard.  But honestly, has anyone ever felt better after receiving one of those pep talks?

Because at the moment when I find myself caught between the Red Sea or an avenging Pharaoh's army, I do not want my attention diverted to some random parable that is supposed to put my problem into perspective.  For at that precise moment of impending doom in my life, someone else's problems are exactly that.

The Red Sea reference comes from a song that I hear every Sunday (now that I am back in church), Let the Church Say Amen, by Andrae Crouch.  I like that song, so maybe it will become part of that calming repertory of songs/poems/etc...and perhaps it will bring me some measure of comfort when I come face to face with either a nearly impossible obstacle or I am being chased by an unrelenting enemy.

In the story of Moses and the Israelites, God performs a miracle that parts the Red Sea.  My problem is when there is no forthcoming miracle...what then?  Dementia. Bankruptcy. Infertility. Estrangement. Chronic Anxiety. Depression. Unpleasant confrontations with miserable people. Failure. Destruction.

Courage? Fortitude? Resolve? Redemption?