Sunshine and Rain

Earlier this summer, a local politician was featured in an article about his wife's early onset dementia. Yesterday, he gave a radio interview about her and the ordeal his family has gone through since 2010.

When I first read his story, I could not help but to think about the parallels.  The origin of my mother's odd behavior began sometime in 2009, and as it continued, we struggled to come up with answers.  I too had to trick her into going to a doctor, eventually tricking her into seeing a neurologist when nothing improved.  And just as was the case for Mr. Baker, within 15 minutes after we left the office with a preliminary diagnosis, my mother did not seem to acknowledge that he had just told her that she had dementia.

But unlike Mr. Baker, I have been hiding in plain sight when it comes to discussing my mother...only talking through the blog or to friends. Or not at all.  For a time I retreated from this when I felt that I was revealing too much.  We had an opportunity to be featured in another radio interview, but we arrived late and left early so that I could avoid an embarassing over-reaction. 

I am grateful to Mr. Baker for speaking out because people need to know the private hell it has been these past few years.  I came back to write about it because I need to tell others in my own way and on my terms.

I will try not to dwell so much on the negative, but at times, it will be impossible not to...I need a release.  It cannot be a release that is tied to physical exercise or drinking or staying busy.  I need to have a space where I can scream and cry and question God about this.  I need a place to turn after having the same argument with my husband for the 103rd time.  I need a refuge from biting my tongue and not telling my family that I am not Jesus yet, I am essentially putting my life on hold so that everyone else can live theirs with minimal inconvenience.  I need a space to bitch after someone has said something insensitive or mean to me so that I can resist the urge to tell them where to go.  I need a place to bury my disappointments and broken dreams.

Today there is rain. Tomorrow there may be sunshine. I'll try to take each day as I find it.