Hello Again...

I took a break from the constant complaining and whining that I had been doing in this space...only to return for more complaining and whining.  Because everything about the time that has elapsed since my last post has been totally depressing, upsetting, frustrating, and just overwhelming.

Except, that is not entirely true.  Not everything has been that bad.  I did get a vacation to Puerto Rico which I enjoyed tremendously.



But I need to vent about the latest drama in my life.  My mother is not well.  And she is lying to us.  And driving her car to unknown places and returning with no gas.  And just lying.

And my father would prefer not to upset her, which I find incredible.  I get that she cannot reason like she should, but this is totally ridiculous.  Last Friday, there was a moment of pure panic when no one could think of a single place she might be and her shitty "who do you think you are reaction" was enough to send me over the edge.  And of course, instead of addressing this, my family chose to pretend that things were still normal.

I want to scream.  I want to curse.  Why is this happening to us?

Here is the cruel truth about illness, particularly when there is no explanation and nothing forthcoming.  It is a bitch.  A horrible asshole of a bitch. 

I sat down two weeks ago with a minister friend of mine because I needed some spiritual guidance.  Before I declare that a total waste of time, the conversation reminded me of something that I had forgotten--I'm still a Catholic parading around in Baptist garb.  I believe in 85% of what I was taught in Catholic school...I just prefer to make my own choices.  And if I remember my Catholicism, then this is just a fact of life.  Nothing personal, but life happens to everyone.  And remembering this gave me a sense of calm for a few days, which lasted until last Friday.

Then on Sunday, I went to church services where the preacher was a classmate from college.  I had wanted to hear him live, and it worked out that we were able to go.  Everything leading up to the sermon was great; everything afterwards was a struggle. 

As the altar filled with young people who were seeking salvation and perhaps some overt blessing, I stood back with uneasiness.  God does send blessings through unconventional messengers, but at what cost?  The birth of my Baby Niece and the engagement of my Adult Niece came at the same time as incurable illnesses manifested themselves in both my mother and mother-in-law.  That hardly seems fair.

Again, my inner Catholic reasserts herself to remind me that life is never fair.  No one deserves half of the bad stuff that happens.  So I guess the blessing of a baby and a new marriage should serve as reminders that even in the midst of turmoil, there are wonderful things about this life to celebrate.  And that is when the Baptist garb gets revealed--I can thank God through a Hallelujah dance/song/shout.  And then continue to pray for miracles.