First of all, I have been to court before but most of those appearances are pro forma. Much of my work is conducted outside of the courtroom through negotiation, threatening letters and settlement. Most cases settle, but this was not one of those cases, and the subject matter of this particular dispute was not at all funny. However, my performance was a day-long SNL skit, complete with a comic fall in the middle of the courtroom.
But before I tell that story, let's start from the beginning of the day. Actually, we can start from the night before, since I didn't get to bed until 3:30am. I was up preparing for trial: assembling the massive trial notebook with all of my exhibits; reviewing all of my questions; and at the very last minute, writing my opening statement. Thus, I enjoyed a restful 3 hours of sleep before my big day in court.
So when I woke up at 6:30, I felt aweful. I looked aweful. This was compounded by the fact that I've been having hair issues lately. I won't detail them here, but since I did not have time to get my hair done before trial, I had to find a scarf to wear instead. Then even with makeup, I looked absolutely scary with blotchy skin and heavy bags under my eyes. Let's just say that my appearance could be described as that of a very ugly woman or a very pretty monster.
Whenever I have a big day, I get too nervous to eat. I am also usually running too late to even consider it, so my hub put some tea and a box of pastries in the car for me to eat while driving to courthouse. I was so anxious that I only took a few sips of my tea and I had about three bites of an apple danish. I am not a caffeine addict, but I really needed coffee yesterday. I think it would have calmed me...
...because it took me 45 minutes to make a 25 minute commute, against the traffic! Once I arrived, my next challenge was to find a parking space. The courthouse is located in a small town, and as the county has gotten more populous, parking spaces are harder to find, especially yesterday when everybody had to be in court. There are several parking spaces on the street with regular coin meters, but the last thing I needed was to feed a meter all day. So I began my hunt for an all-day space in one of the public parking lots.
I tried the garage adjacent to the courthouse first, but it has a limited number of public spaces that were already taken. When I tried to leave, I was trapped by another driver who was blocking the way with her giant SUV. At first, she she stared down on me as if this was a game of chicken, so I shot her a nasty look and pointed at my watch. She rolled her eyes and sat there. After about 30 seconds during which I gestured wildly at her to move, she then decided to back out of the lot instead of pulling to the side so that I could get out. During our little showdown, a dozen cars had now pulled in behind her, so for another 2 minutes, no one moved. By the time I got out of that lot and found a space in the satelite lot, it had taken me a full 15 minutes to park my car.
I sat listlessly through the morning proceedings. Since I hadn't eaten breakfast, I was starving by lunchtime, but I could only stomach a salad. I got my shot of caffeine, but it was in a Pepsi, and I HATE Pepsi.
Then came the lowest point of the day. I am supposed to be a confident advocate, but when I could only muster up enough energy to pick at my food, I felt nothing but imminent doom. I called my hub for a shot of confidence, but he was not in his office. (I found out later that he was at church praying for me). When I couldn't reach him, I did the only thing that made sense--I called my mother. She was in class, but as mothers are psychic, she stayed on the phone and reassured me that I would be fine. For extra insurance, I called my father, Deacon Bill, and left a message for him at work to pray for me. I also prayed, not so much for my case, but that I would make it through the rest of the day.
We re-convened and I got my chance at cross-examination. It was pretty bad. I don't think I was that much better on direct. It looks so much easier on TV.
Finally, we wrapped up our testimony at 4:30. Then the judge began her hour-long lecture to the parties. All I wanted was a drink of water. I had borrowed the pitcher from opposing counsel earlier in the afternoon, so the bailiff brought me another pitcher. When I tried to pour myself another cup, the top of the pitcher came off and water gushed all over our table. Luckily, because I had covered every sheet of paper in my trial notebook in those plastic sheet protectors (yes, I am that anal), the water was easy to clean and nothing got ruined.
However, in the process of jumping up to avoid the spill, I pushed my chair back too far out from the table. So when I went to sit down, I missed the chair and FELL FLAT ON MY ASS!!! My first impulse was to stay there on the floor and laugh. Everyone came to my rescue--my client, the bailiff, and the opposing party (who knows that he wanted to laugh, but didn't, so I thank him for his gallantry).
At this point, the day couldn't get any worse, unless we were going to lose. We didn't and I think it was because the judge felt sorry for my client with me as her lawyer.
And so, here is how I would sum up my big day:
- 3 hours of sleep
- an incredibly bad hair day
- no coffee, but a spot of tea and a cold apple danish on the beltway
- the longest 25 minute commute
- the showdown in the parking lot
- diet Pepsi (not the right one, baby)
- calling for my mommy and daddy
- the longest cross examination in history (even the bailiff fell asleep)
- the big spill
- the fall, or the bigger spill
And in the end, we won. How's that for my first trial?
Ciao!
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